I’m officially grieving the loss of my motivation to run.

It’s 1pm on a Saturday, and rather than food shopping at the farmer’s market after a tough but rewarding run, before having a nice hot shower and making myself a delicious meal, as I usually do around this time, I’m in bed, in my pajamas, listening to the rain, denying that this has been a problem for awhile, feeling guilty and angry with myself for not having done anything yet and trying to bargain with myself to get out of something that I normally enjoy doing!

Did I mention that I love to run? I mean, I think I do…

So I’ve hit a low, and I wish I were referring to a new race time. I certainly don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a lazy weekend, but never have I sat in bed for hours on a Saturday, refusing to budge, when I’m training for an event that I deem important.

So is that the real problem here? Is the Fleet half just not “important” enough to get me out of bed? It’s no NYC marathon, obviously, but should that really matter if I’m passionate about the sport and driven to improve?

It’s probably worth mentioning that it’s a miserable day out and the run I have to do is a really tough tempo run (3 x 2M at my goal half marathon pace of 7:23 min/mile, which is a great run to do three weeks before your race, btw). I’ve pretty much run out of excuses – I’ve already caught up on all my missed TV shows, I’ve finished my book, I’ve done the laundry and I’ve taken a nap. Now that it really is time to DO the run, I’ve reached the point of making deals with myself to get OUT of the run. I haven’t quite given up, but am proposing things like an easy 5M in the rain, saving the tempo run for Wednesday morning, because I don’t really need to do that interval session, do I?

I never used to be like this. I would see a run on my schedule, and get it done, because it was never an option NOT to do the run unless I had a valid reason such as pain or illness. Or a hangover, which I suppose is a combination of both. Today, however, it’s none of the above.

Does today’s run now feel optional because I no longer care about my race, which happens to be only three weeks from tomorrow? And if a part of me doesn’t care anymore, is that because that part doesn’t believe I will be fast enough to hit my goal of sub-1:37? And then of course, if I don’t think I can really hit my goal, do I start to feel that this is all a bit pointless and do things like skip runs, eat junk and let myself gain several pounds (which has happened, sadly), which I know will only help me NOT achieve my goal? It’s a vicious cycle and I have very much let myself get sucked into it.

I just got a call from E. “You’re STILL not up?!”

Um, no not yet…

And so I guess you can say I’ve reached the stage of reflection and self-awareness. I’m not the lean and speedy runner I hoped to be by now, but you know what? That’s okay. I’m reaching my “upward turn,” I’m working through it, and apparently “acceptance and hope” are on the horizon.

Wow, I think it just stopped raining. Is that sunshine I see? Okay, maybe not, but perhaps I should just quit my whining and get out there. I mean, if I do this tempo run, I will have earned that creme egg sitting on the counter that I’ve been eyeing, and then I can change back into my pajamas and hang out on the couch for the rest of the day…

Looks like I got myself a deal!